Wednesday  October 22nd, 2014

I don’t know why today I was a such a mess. I know I didn’t show up well in and I can’t explain why. I had a feeling it would be rough going in, cuz i felt off ever since I woke up this morning (felt kinda lethargic and a little groggy, and couldn’t shake it).

I think what I need right now is a way to reduce the options every time I have to eat. That’s how I’ve been able to eat more so far (even though its been mostly the same type of food) It’s what I have at home, it’s what is available, and it makes one less obstacle for me because  I don’t have to worry about deciding on what to eat.

I get that the foods’ I’ve done aren’t proper meals, and as you said, there is no variety, so I’m being “rigid and inflexible”..but I have increased the quantity and frequency of my eating. And I have been able to eat other things too. However, I have realized something,

“the biggest mistake I’ve made so far is underestimating how stuck I am.”

Because of this, each movement towards a healthier choice has not only harder than I thought it would be, but has also been met with a strong and loud eating disorder voice (like the getting it right voice, but in other circumstances, sometimes a more anorexic voice too…that would be the one showing up when writing in food journal) And in addition to fear (like fear of making the wrong choice), I also feel so embarrassed by them,  ashamed of them, and an intense desire for them to not be there. Which, instead of fighting back to push the voices further away, I have been wanting to avoid situations where the voice will show up, and therefore not have to engage in the fight and risk failing at the the pushing back. Because if the voice isn’t there, and I don’t have to fight back, then I can’t totally fail.

I know you asked me what I need, what treatment plan I would come up with for myself. I think one part I still need work on is finding a way to get to that compassion place you talk about. Because I am not there. And because I’m not there, instead of doing the work that I have to do because I’m having a hard time, the shame I feel over the fact that I am having a hard time, the the fear and worry about the meaning I am making about that, is so intense, that I am avoiding anything that points it out to me.

I’m so embarrassed that I’m having a hard time and so worried about what that means; the meaning of the hard time, the meaning I’m making of it, the meaning I fear others are making of it. I respond to that fear by avoiding any situation, event, or relationship that points out that I am in this hard time place again, or that I am struggling again. I can’t believe that it is true, and I don’t want it to be true.  I’m still having a hard time accepting where I’m at. I can’t have compassion for myself if this is true.

How to Have Compassion For Myself?

Because the thing is, I don’t understand how to have compassion when, if I’m struggling again, the fact is, I know better. I have lots of recovery under my belt. I’ve already gone through all the treatment. I have the best therapist. I have no excuse or reason to be struggling. I have a choice, and I keep choosing this one. That’s not good.

Also, there are people in my life who will be disappointed, upset, let down. Relationships are affected by this. You know that. This effects our relationship. And you know how much I hate that. I hate that the most of all. I hate how it feels on my end, and then I know how much you don’t like it, and I hate it even more. It upsets me, it worries me, and it annoys me. Because I know I’m more than this, and our relationship is more than this. I wish instead of talking about how much of a tuna wrap I was going to eat, we were laughing over a tuna melt and shared onion rings and talking about other things. I like those meals better. I know I want to get back there. But right now, even when I think of that, after feeling happy at the memory, I immediately start to feel bad. And the voice that comes in is “I really messed this up, I screwed up, I’ve ruined everything”…Not super helpful i know.

There are people who won’t understand, and who will be mad and upset. AndThink about my family. There’s NO WAY I can tell them. I can’t ever struggle again around them. You know that they would not be understanding of this. I’d lose any chance of a relationship with my brother. And I’m scared that all the progress I’ve made with my sister would be ruined. They can have their own struggles and its ok, no one is rejected, or made to feel bad, or afraid to come home because of them, however I’m the black sheep.

I also worry about what other important people I care about would think. And even though I see you every week, I still worry what you think.

I really thought I was over this. I survived a broken back for goodness sakes and didn’t let things slip. I thought FOR SURE that would be the ultimate test.

If I think too much about this, it has me scared if I really can recover.

I worry that is what everyone is thinking too. Or for those that who already thought that years ago, have I proved them right? And that just feels shitty…that one pisses me off actually.

More motivation to do things differently this week.

xoxo