I’m sitting at Barnes and Noble this afternoon in the cafe section, and I open up my laptop to log onto their wifi network. This is something I have been doing every singe day for the past week, as I am in the midst of job hunting, and, given that I also have no desk or Internet, let alone a place to live, Barnes and Noble cafe has become my “office”.

Despite my daily habit, today was the first time I noticed the words that pop up when I go to log on to the internet, “Get Connected”.

Pow! I swear, these hit me like a ton of bricks… Get Connected…I gawked at the computer screen. I wanted to scream back at it, “as if it were that easy!”

“If anything, the internet creates an illusion of connection, a false sense of closeness, and pseudo-relationships.”

Sure, the internet can provide a connection to information, to resources, and I’m not negating the amazingness of that. But I would challenge the idea that the internet creates a true form of connection. If anything, the internet creates an illusion of connection, a false sense of closeness, and pseudo-relationships. I took a six month hiatus off of all social media, and do you know what happened, those “connections” I thought were real, disappeared. No one took the time to connect in real life.

“I feel more isolated and disconnected than I ever have in my entire life”

So how does one get connected in today’s society? I am a person who dies in isolation. My soul and spirit can not survive without relationship. I have more Facebook friends, LinkedIn connections and Instagram followers than I have ever had, and yet, I feel more isolated and disconnected than I ever have in my entire life.

Get Connected.

What I am connected to is how hard this last year has been for me. How much loss I have suffered. How much pain I am living with, and how much effort I put in to getting up every single day.

I’m connected to how long I have been fighting, and how tired I am.

I’m connected to those I lost along the way in this battle, and those that chose to leave me because I was too much for them.

I’m connected to the fact that people will say they care, and that they will always be there for you, but that those words don’t actually mean anything.

I’m connected to how unpredictable life is, and how unfair it is.

I’m connected to how, you can do everything that is asked of you, do your absolute best, and it can still not be enough.

I’m connected to the knowledge that I am tired and don’t think I have another year like this left in me.

I’m connected to the understanding that not everybody gets to have the life they dreamed of, and that for some people, things don’t work out.

I’m connected to my fear that I may be one of these people, and that others who were once close to me knew this, and chose to distance themselves because of that…because who wants to be close to a a tree that you know is going to burst into flames.

I was once told that when bystanders are about to witness a car crash, its human nature to turn around and shut their eyes, so to not see the crash. Its a form of self protection. Ever since I heard this, I’ve always struggled to find fault or blame in those who leave me when I need help. If they are doing so to take care of themselves, how can I be
upset? Because at the end of the day, I always care about them, and want what is best for them. It’s only hard because I know I wouldn’t be one of those people to turn away…I would stay by that person’s side. Even if I can’t help anymore, I would be there and look
into their eyes, and offer love and support and be there till the end, so at least they didn’t have to crash and burn all alone.

But I guess not many are like me. And that’s ok.

Maybe that’s why I’m the one who is burning up, and they are the ones on safe ground…