I needed some sort of warning for this before this morning…

…and on a day I’m supposed to go to work. I honestly did not go into this phone call expecting this to be the outcome. I thought I was the one making who was going to be making a choice, that I had a decision to make and that I had some questions around the possible options of that decision. That alone felt super challenging and emotional. I’d spent all week preparing for that. Doing so much journaling and soul searching. Really trying to determine what was the best choice.

Friday you said if I held off on grad school for 6 months you would be on board with still seeing me & using that time to plan for the transition.

I spent the last week trying to decide if I could be ok waiting on school. I did so much journaling around this, really trying to figure out what I felt was the best decision for me. I wanted to be sure I wasn’t choosing grad school just because I was upset with you, or to prove a point, and I wanted to be sure I wasn’t choosing to stay with you just because it’s what I know and am scared to leave. I also wanted to make sure if I chose to stay with you and delay grad school I wasn’t going to be resentful and feel like I didn’t really have a choice in the situation over the next few months. And I wanted to be sure I chose grad school and stopped seeing you that I wasn’t doing it to prove to that I can make decisions without you and your input and also that I wasn’t just in some rush to get into school because of the feelings I was having at my current job of not being important or my opinion s and feedback not counting for diddly-squat since I’m nothing to them but another RA and no one knows anything about me, or any of the info I know.

Since I couldn’t determine for sure the grad school piece and there’s a lot there with the work and the my own feelings, and my uncertainty around the program and schools and degrees and so much more, it was hard, but I had come to realize that it was best to wait 6 months and use this time with you to get more stable, and address these and many other issues that I’ve journaled about over the last month or so. In that time I could figure out what path to take with grad school as well as prepare for the transition to another therapist.

“You are the one stable thing I have in my life right now.”

It was still hard and STILL felt awful but it felt more right then ending now. Right now I have no friends, no community, I’m in a new job that is going thru a big transition and (as I mentioned) there’s the possibility of changing jobs (which has a whole other set of factors to consider), the grad school piece is up in the air, my parents are moving. You are the one stable thing I have in my life right now.

“You expressed concern last week that grad school

would be too much of a stress on me and you didn’t

want to be “up against a wall” with me.

It’s ironic because this is what really makes me

feel up against a wall”

You expressed concern last week that grad school would be too much of a stress on me and you didn’t want to be “up against a wall” with me. It’s ironic because this is what really makes me feel up against a wall- one like in Indian Jones, where the next part is spiky daggers come shooting out from it, and then, just in case you are still holding on, the bottom drops out from bellow you.

“I wasted all that thought and energy

because it made no difference,

it wasn’t my decision at all.

I had no choice.”

I understand that you have reached a limit, and there’s nothing to be done. But I just don’t know how to be ok. I feel like I wasted all that thought and energy because it made no difference, it wasn’t my decision at all. I had no choice.

“But I just don’t know how to be ok.”

I want to be ok and handling this better. But I can’t today. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop crying. I don’t think I can go to work. I feel totally frozen.

This isn’t me debating you, I’m just writing. It’s all I can do right now. I couldn’t get out of my car for yoga. The tears and the nausea wouldn’t work well in downward facing dog anyway…