My Story Matters
A historian, investigator, researcher, examiner, I am slowly going back over what is left of my life. Examining the rubble; slowly, methodically. Not to change the current situation. But to learn from it. To understand it. And, hopefully, to make use of it. So that I may forgive myself for it, and find a way to live.
From December 2003- January 2008 I was in various treatment facilities around the United States for an eating disorder. In August 2006 that brought me to what would, eventually be my last treatment program. In April 2009 I began outpatient therapy and continued with that same therapist until October 7th, 2015.
Beginning of the End
During the Fall of 2014 I began to struggle again. It was different than past lapses in my recovery; it took me by surprise. So much so, that I spent many sessions with my therapist in discussion over whether or not I could even be struggling again. I’m sad that happened. I wasted valuable time, and in doing so, created a strain on our relationship. Had I not been so caught by it, I would have seen it more clearly in the moment. An effect of anorexia. But, such is the trick of the eating disorder. Long story (and I do mean LONG) short, a year later, she was terminating me, after nearly 9 years.
The Aftermath MANY years of storms
Reflecting back on my life for the past few years, there were many challenging events that had occurred in the last 3 years. So by the fall of 2014, I was dealing with chronic pain, a law suit, medical bills, and significant financial stress. The As I was stress from happened from 2013 to October 2015. I was in a car accident that totaled my vehicle and resulted in a 3 year lawsuit. My dietitian became my employer at a pole fitness studio and my friend. Then an accident happened at her studio and I broke my back. As a result I got fired from the studio and the friendship with that woman ended. I also have a deformed spine, chronic back pain, need surgery (but can’t have it), and have serious medical complications, that leave aspects of my future uncertain. I went through many job transitions and financial stress. I was raped by my best friend’s husband, which left me without a best friend and ultimately lost all my friendships.
All of these losses I felt POWERLESS
When an individual suffers loss, there is not usually much choice in the situation. Each event felt as though it was happening to me, and although I firmly believe every person has the power to chose how they respond in each situation, when the consequences of an an unwanted and undesired event is the loss of a relationship, it’s hard to feel that I had a choice in that decision. Quite the opposite, in fact… I felt like these events were happening to me and that my choice was not taken from me. Everyone else was making decisions based on their wants, needs and desires; everyone else had a choice. I was forced to deal with the effects – all on my own. I had no choice. All I was allowed to do was respond. Forced to go along with whatever the other person wanted. Cut off. Silenced.
Each person did what they needed to do to make themselves feel better; to ease their discomfort. But what about me? What happens to me? about my discomfort?
Understanding Doesn’t Make the Pain Any Less
It’s easier when you don’t have to see it, when you don’t have to witness it, when you don’t have to acknowledge that the way you are choosing to soothe your own dis-ease is causing pain and hurting another. I know this to be true. By cutting-off and turning away, each person didn’t have to see the effects their actions had on me, didn’t have to witness what happened AFTER the relationship ended.
Was this intentional? Was this done so they wouldn’t feel bad and would have an easier time going about their lives? I’m pretty sure it does make it easier. Like the saying goes, “outta sight, outta mind”. Take it from someone who knows. That’s how anorexia works. When you are isolated or removed from the relationships that your eating disordered behaviors will negatively impact, it makes it easier to keep participating in them. You are isolated from those that will reflect back to you the pain and hurt your self-soothing actions (such as restricting, over-exercising) are causing. That’s the cruel GENIUS of anorexia. That’s WHY it works.
Each one got to cut off and didn’t feel
the effects of their actions;
didn’t witness what happened
AFTER the relationship ended.
So I understand why each of them did what they did. And I understand how they were able to do it, despite the supposed “care” for me and for the relationship. But understanding does’t make the pain any less. And it doesn’t make this process any easier. In some ways, it almost makes it worse. Because through the understanding it’s impossible to be mad or angry at anyone but myself. Because no matter how I twist this, there is something I did, that is bad enough, to push them away, and keep each of them away. For that to happen, there has to be something truly egregious to force a person away forever.
So what is it about me? What did I do? Yes, my life was messy and I was going through challenging times, but is that enough to push people away forever? Perhaps…however, some of these people had seen me through some pretty challenging times before, and had spoken about never cutting off from me in this way.
So again, what did I do to make these people completely change their relationship with me overnight? What changes Care to Disdain? Admiration to Avoidance? Closeness to Cut-off? Love to Hate?
When my life literally falls apart and I am not able to make sense of why it happened, how I got here, and how I am going to make it until the next day, my intellectual brain takes over. If my life was Ground Zero, I become the investigator, going through the rubble, bring to determine what happened, looking for shreds of evidence to piece the story back together from the past year or years, hoping to understand what led to this catastrophic mess.
My Map Through
Finding Courage
1. Find Courage and share ALL my story.
The first part will be to find the patterns and themes that were running throughout my life these past nine years. Find where I got caught, what I was missing, and where I went off track. I want to re-define what my problem story is. Beyond the eating disorder. I always said I would never let anorexia destroy or ruin my relationship with this person. That was a value I held SO dear and SO important. My failure in that, has left me feeling like I no longer know who I am. The trust I had in myself, in my ability to do relationships, and to fight the eating disorder, has completely disappeared. I need to start from scratch and determine what are the problems that I am in relationship with. How are they operating on me? And how do they show up and how am I STILL getting caught by them all these years later?
To do this, I will begin an investigation post emails and journals from that period of my life. Some are ones I shared in therapy, some are ones I never did. Again, my point in doing this is to say everything. Share ALL of my story, so a rich description of who I am is finally out there.
2. Face My Fears and to live the life I believe in and desire.
The second part of this investigation process is to
3. Finding balance~ Holding onto both and Holding onto Hope
The third part is to begin to work on finding balance, and holding onto both. Creating a story that is rich with ups and downs and tragedy and triumph. Having brand new experiences that are a part of my story, and not make too much meaning out of any of them.
whentherapyends.com 