Past Session Recordings Hold Possibility for Insight after Termination

May 15, 2016May 29, 2017Leave a comment

May 15, 2016

When I first started seeing my past therapist in private practice I recorded our sessions. I did this for about three years. A few months after she terminated our therapeutic relationship, I pulled out these recordings and started to listen to them. I have been using my old sessions as my own form of therapy to continue to help myself process what had happened. I am using me, my healthier self, and the person who my therapist had once believed in, had wanted to be in relationship with, and had cared for. I use these sessions as evidence that the relationship was real, to keep myself moving forward.

These conversessions continue to provide insight into who I am and what happened. They are also acting as a lifeline. This is how I am being my own therapist… and holding on.

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8 Years

January 8, 2016October 30, 2016Leave a comment

Reflecting on this day and while I wish I could share an inspirational message, but the biggest thing I have learned in these last eight years is that life is incredibly hard…make that FUCKING hard…And just when you think it can’t get any harder, it does. Continue reading →

Get Connected

January 1, 2016October 30, 2016Leave a comment

I’m sitting at Barnes and Noble this afternoon in the cafe section, and I open up my laptop to log onto their wifi network. This is something I have been doing every singe day for the past week, as I am in the midst of job hunting, and, given that I also have no desk or Internet, let alone a place to live, Barnes and Noble cafe has become my “office”. Continue reading →

Just End this Pain

December 7, 2015October 30, 2016Leave a comment

If I die I am ok. I am finally no longer in pain. I don’t have to feel broken and shattered every single day. I’ve tried. Time does not make it better. It only makes it worse. Continue reading →

The phone call that changed everything

August 20, 2015October 30, 2016Leave a comment

I needed some sort of warning for this before this morning…

…and on a day I’m supposed to go to work. I honestly did not go into this phone call expecting this to be the outcome. I thought I was the one making who was going to be making a choice, that I had a decision to make and that I had some questions around the possible options of that decision. That alone felt super challenging and emotional. I’d spent all week preparing for that. Doing so much journaling and soul searching. Really trying to determine what was the best choice. Continue reading →

Destroying the things that matter most

July 29, 2015October 30, 2016Leave a comment

What happens when you just keep destroying the things that matter most in your life?

What does it mean about me that I can see what’s going wrong, can identify the patterns and understand that my actions are causing the effects I don’t like, yet I continue to act out in them? Continue reading →

My Perfect Storm

April 25, 2015October 30, 2016Leave a comment

It’s hard for me to not feel like I’ve totally fucked everything up. I really feel like I’ve created the perfect storm in many ways. Continue reading →

Doubts in Recovery

March 13, 2015October 30, 2016Leave a comment

I’m not sure what to do any more. What I want.

For years I said I wanted to have the recovery that B has. I wanted to enjoy food and have freedom with my food and be relaxed about my body. Or at least accepting it. And that’s what I tried to do. That’s what I was working for, that’s what I spent years trying to achieve, that was what I held onto while I was in a bigger body and not changing my food or exercise.

But it never got better. And I’m worried it never will. What if I left one thing out of the puzzle…. Continue reading →

Struggle

November 7, 2014October 30, 2016Leave a comment

So here’s the problem…I’m afraid to talk the food part being hard. I feel stuck in a corner.

It’s no one’s fault but my own. My therapist does not want to do this again, and I understand where she is coming from. She has every right to not want to do this type of work with me. The hard part about that is, if she doesn’t, I don’t have anyone to do that with. And I’m left with no one who can know what is going on. Its only me. Continue reading →

Stuck

October 21, 2014October 30, 2016Leave a comment

Wednesday October 22nd, 2014

I don’t know why today I was a such a mess. I know I didn’t show up well in and I can’t explain why. I had a feeling it would be rough going in, cuz i felt off ever since I woke up this morning (felt kinda lethargic and a little groggy, and couldn’t shake it). Continue reading →