It’s hard for me to not feel like I’ve totally fucked everything up. I really feel like I’ve created the perfect storm in many ways.

“I could pretend so well that I believed myself.

But deep down I knew I wasn’t better

in the way I liked to think I was”

As much as I liked to think I was comfortable with food, I still wasn’t. I was better, but I was still messed up and to afraid to tell anyone. I could pretend so well that I believed myself. But deep down I knew I wasn’t better in the way I liked to think I was better, because I was still anxious if I had to spend a couple days in a row with people. Lunch was never something that became ok. And dinner was also weird. The difference is, back then,  I could go out with friends and eat normally and eat large amounts. I could drink, eat cookies or ice-cream or cake. But I always felt anxious and uncomfortable afterwards. Bloated and gross. And if I had to do that for a weekend, by the time Monday came I was a ball of nerves, trying hard to hold it together. My two week vacation with my family was scary because I had no idea I how I was going to eat 3 meals a day for 2 weeks straight. Over the years purging and then working to stop purging. Going long hours without eating, and then eating at night before bed what I felt was too much (I know it wasn’t too much food, but the fact that it felt out of control and unplanned always messed with my head).

“I was better, but I was still messed up

and too afraid to tell anyone.”

Exercise being obsessive and compulsive, and then having to pull back and set limits with that again; but always struggling with feeling like I should do more, want to do more. I’ve purged more over the years than I’ve told anyone. It would come if waves, but I can think of times it happened, and it wasn’t only during weight gain periods. I hate it. I feel awful afterwards and I’d get a headache. I’d always stop. But then it would happen again. I have these phases where I would purge something and then I’d get stuck doing it for the next few days.

I’m supposed to gain weight right now. And I don’t know how the weight gain piece will go. I probably shouldn’t say that, but if I’m being honest, that’s the honest truth. Tonight I feel worn out, overwhelmed, sad, and scared. But I feel more scared of what will happen if I don’t gain weight. I don’t always feel that way. I’m coming off a couple really bad days, no sleep, and an emotional day. I want to feel better. I want to be better.

“I’ve always known when I need

to go into treatment…

I really believe that if it comes

to that point, that I will know it.”

I’ve always known when I need to go into treatment. Even if I’ve been scared or didn’t want to go, I’ve always known when I need to go. I really believe that if it comes to that point, that I will know it. I thought a lot about that this weekend. I wondered if I needed to go check myself in some place. I thought seriously about it…I’ve thought about it over this last month actually. I’ll admit I have moments where I think I should go, but the reasons I think about going (why I lean towards yes on those few occasions) is because I’m tired, I’m stressed about money, I’m worn out from dealing with life and bills, and expenses and job hunting and resumes and applications, and cover letters. And being in treatment means I don’t have to do any of those. I don’t have to deal with any of that. I get to check out and drop off the face of the earth. This weekend I thought about it because I wanted to disappear. I was scared and alone. And I was in a downward spiral I couldn’t get myself out of.

“It’s so hard for me to tolerate

this different place, especially

knowing what it was like,

what its been like,

what it CAN be like.”

The relational dynamic I described (the quicksand and Devil’s snare) is always better when we are better, which requires ME to be better. At least, that’s a huge part of how I see it. And me, just desperate to get back to that person and to that place. It’s so hard for me to tolerate this different place, especially knowing what it was like, what its been like, what it CAN be like. This relationship has had a shift before, and I’ve experienced this Devil’s snare feeling before, but not as intensely  as this, because I’d never really come from such a good place before. I feel the difference, the change (what my head says is a loss) so much more intensely. Ironically this makes me want to fight and grab on even harder. I know I need to be patient and wait. But knowing and doing are two different things.

“the relational dynamic I described

(the quicksand and Devil’s snare)

is always better when we are better,

which requires ME to be better.”

It’s hard to believe we will be ok again, because so much has changed. I know that is the work. Trust the relationship.