April 23, 2015

I feel like I’m just out here, kinda floating, indefinitely…and while there are times I feel like it is fine, and I am fine, the longer it goes, there is this feeling I have (this thought that comes up, but I push away) that this is not good. Especially the longer I go unemployed and with all this free time on my hands.More free time means I am in my head more.

I know my big plan is to get a job. A full time job, so I have money and health insurance. And hopefully so I can go to grad school also. I’m doing everything that I know to do to work towards making that happen. I promise.

Life On Hold

What I think is worrying me is that, the other parts of my life are on hold until that happens- including regular therapy sessions; so I feel like I’ve also put my recovery on hold. Which I know may sound ridiculous.

First: one would probably argue I wasn’t changing or making any progress when I was in therapy regularly (the last few months).

Second: you’d say it is my choice and that my seeing a therapist should not determine whether or not I make recovery a priority and chose to eat the proper amount and exercise the proper amount.

I’d agree with the second one. With the first, I was doing better than the last two weeks. I know my recovery is my responsibility, so I am not putting it on you [my therapist]. I take full ownership of it, and know that I should be able to do it, regardless of whether or not I am seeing you.

I know I can’t afford to see you and a dietitian right now. And I know that’s what your requirement is to see me. And I completely understand and respect that. So I’m not sure exactly what I’m asking in this email, or what I’m looking for. I guess I want to know if you were thinking, or had any thoughts or ideas already in place about what this limbo phase for me (for us) would look like until I can afford that. Because I have a feeling it’s not going to be any time soon. And that’s making me nervous.

It feels really really weird. I’ve never really been in this place. In theory, if I can’t afford a dietitian for say, 3 more months (or longer) does that mean I won’t see you for that whole time? Because right now I feel like I’m alone and trying to tackle all of this by myself…and I know you will say, use your friends for support…I do. But they can only do so much.

I don’t like feeling like I’m just kinda out here, indefinitely, with no one but myself.

You know me, I deal well with specifics.

I heard this quote the other day and it made me think a lot…“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know”

I know I have learned so much from the eating disorder, and there are times I do still think that maybe I can do this. But I still haven’t learned how to be ok with my body. And in my gut I know that it’s going to bite me in the ass at some point…and that’s why this keeps happening. And I’m getting scared of what will happen the longer I go not dealing with it.

I don’t want to celebrate my 30th birthday feeling the way I do. I don’t want it to feel like my 21st (which is the last one I celebrated with my mum and my sister, and I keep having dreams about that night and waking up crying). I know myself pretty well. I remember how I felt turning 29 last year and all the stuff it brought up, and how hard things got and the depression that seemed to hit after (no money, no job, no relationship, medical/back issues, health insurance, and I was seeing you less)…all or most of these things are here again right now. I’ve been working really hard at staying out of the “everything is awful/hopeless” place, and I have been mostly ok.

But the last couple weeks its getting harder.

I feel like I spent my 20’s dealing with my eating disorder. Even though I was technically out of treatment before I turned 24, I still feel like this decade was all spent on e.d and recovery and all things related to those. Going back and forth between the two.

I lost my teens and twenties to anorexia, I don’t want my thirties to be like that.