July 31st, 2015

Something isn’t right with me. I’m not ok. I’m not doing well. But it’s tricky because I’m not sure what’s wrong, or why exactly I feel this way. And I don’t think anyone would be able to notice unless they were privy to my life on a daily basis.

I have times when I feel like I’m in control and able to handle everything in my life- basically like I’m normal and have my shit together. And to the outside world, I think others who meet me in this state would believe that and wouldn’t even think to question it.

Which is a problem, because it makes almost no sense when the falling apart version is present and I feel like I can’t handle anything; like literally getting out of bed is too much work.

The thing is, how do I talk about this? I don’t know how to describe it or even pinpoint when it happens. The only thing I can really identify are the highs and lows (mostly the extreme lows) that come on so suddenly. How I can be smiling and giggling at work but as soon as I stop and have to sit in my car, alone with my thoughts, it’s gets dark and sad very very quickly. And I start to doubt if that smiling, happy looking person from a few moments earlier was real, or just an illusion, an act or character that I’ve gotten really good at performing? And how long will I be able to keep it up?

The sadness & pain gets so strong I desperately wish it would end. I want to get away from it. To numb out and just disconnect. To escape the thoughts and feelings. I hate being in that car alone with myself. Tonight all I want to do was go get very drunk or very high or both. I don’t care. I just want to get away from me and my life. I want to feel something else. Anything else. I want to escape. I don’t care what happens.