Wednesday October 22nd, 2014

I’m sorry I stopped the food journal. I will start again. I feel really bad that I stopped doing that. It was my idea to keep one, and you agreed as a compromise instead of weighing me. I remember you said you were agreeing to the thing that I wanted over the thing you wanted (or something like that..I could be getting the words wrong). So for me to go and stop the food journal without talking about it with you was rude and disrespectful, and not very team like behavior. I’m really sorry I did that. It was really out of line and super selfish of me.

I think what I need right now is a way to reduce the options every time i have to eat. That’s how I’ve been able to eat more so far (even though its been mostly the same type of food) It’s what I have at home, it’s what is available, and it makes one less obstacle for me because I don’t have to worry about deciding on what to eat.

I get that the foods I’ve done aren’t proper meals, and as you said, there is no variety, so I’m being “rigid and inflexible”..but I have increased the quantity and frequency of my eating. And I have been able to eat other things too. However, I have realized something,

“the biggest mistake I’ve made so far is underestimating how stuck I am”

Because of this, each movement towards a healthier choice has not only harder than I thought it would be, but has also been met with a strong and loud eating disorder voice (like the getting it right voice, but in other circumstances, sometimes a more anorexic voice too…that would be the one showing up when writing in food journal) And in addition to fear (like fear of making the wrong choice), I also feel so embarrassed by them and ashamed of them. My desire for them not be there is so intense, that I am completely avoiding any experience that would cause me to confront that truth that they are even there. So instead of fighting back and pushing the voice further away, I realize I have been avoiding situations where the voice would most likely show up.  This allows me to not have to engage in the fight and the pushback at all, and not risk failing. Because if the voice isn’t there, and I don’t have to fight back, then I can’t totally fail.

Shame Is Shutting Me Down

I know you asked me what I need, what treatment plan I would come up with for myself. I think one part I still need work on is finding a way to get to that compassion place you talk about. Because I am not there. And because I’m not there, instead of doing the work that I have to do because I’m having a hard time, I am in avoidance.

“the shame I feel over the fact that I am having a hard time, the the fear and worry about the meaning I am making about that, is so intense, that I am avoiding anything that points it out to me.”

I’m so embarrassed that I’m having a hard time and so worried about what that means; the meaning of the hard time, the meaning I’m making of it, the meaning I fear others are making of it. I respond to that fear by avoiding any situation, event, or relationship that points out that I am in this hard time place again, or that I am struggling again. I can’t believe that it is true, and I don’t want it to be true. I’m still having a hard time accepting where I’m at. I can’t have compassion for myself if this is true.

Because the thing is, I don’t understand how to have compassion when, if I’m struggling again, the fact is, I know better. I have lots of recovery under my belt. I’ve already gone through all the treatment. I have the best therapist. I have no excuse or reason to be struggling. I have a choice, and I keep choosing this one. That’s not good.

Relationships are affected by this

You know that. This effects our relationship. And you know how much I hate that. I hate that the most of all. I hate how it feels on my end, and then I know how much you don’t like it, and I hate it even more. It upsets me, it worries me, and it annoys me. Because I know I’m more than this, and our relationship is more than this. I wish instead of talking about how much of a tuna wrap I was going to eat, we were laughing over a tuna melt and shared onion rings and talking about other things. I like those meals better. I know I want to get back there. But right now, even when I think of that, after feeling happy at the memory, I immediately start to feel bad. And the voice that comes in is,

“I really messed this up, I screwed up, I’ve ruined everything”

…Not super helpful I know.

Also, there are people in my life who will be disappointed, upset, let down.There are people who won’t understand. Think about my family. There’s NO WAY I can tell them. I can’t ever struggle again around them. You know that they would not be understanding of this. I’d lose any chance of a relationship with my brother. And I’m scared that all the progress I’ve made with my sister would be ruined. They can have their own struggles and its ok, no one is rejected, or made to feel bad, or afraid to come home because of them, however I’m the black sheep.

I also worry about what other important people I care about would think. And even though I see you every week, I still worry what you think.

Can I Ever Really Recover?

I really thought I was over this. I survived a broken back for goodness sakes and didn’t let things slip. I thought FOR SURE that would be the ultimate test.

If I think too much about this, it has me scared if I really can recover? I worry that is what everyone is thinking too. Or for those that who already thought that years ago, have I proved them right? And that just feels shitty…that one pisses me off actually.

Gosh, I went off on a tangent there. My main goal was to tell you what I’m going to do things differently this week.

I love you. I am sorry I am so messy right now. I will work hard this week.

xoxo