Old Journals

Email journals. My thoughts move so fast that many year ago I discovered that composing an email and sending it to myself or my therapist was extremely helpful. It allows for the stream of consciousness in the writing, and has been one of the best ways to get out all the jumble and that gets stuck swirling around inside my head.

After nearly a decade, I have THOUSANDS of these. Here I will share only a few from the last few years prior to when therapy ended.

Some of these were shared, some were never sent and have never been shared before.

Underestimating How Stuck I Am

Wednesday, October 22 2014
The shame I feel over the fact that I struggling, and the meaning I am making about that is creating so much fear, that I am avoiding anything that points it out to me. Read more →

Struggle

November 8th, 2014
No one ever knew what was going on with me because I had no one I could share it with. Read more →

Doubts in Recovery

March 13, 2015
I’m not sure what to do any more. What I want.
For years I said I wanted to enjoy food and be relaxed about my body. that’s what I spent years trying to achieve, that was what I held onto while I was in a bigger body and not changing my food or exercise.

But it never got better. And I’m worried it never will. Read more →

Floating Indefinitely

April 23, 2015
I feel like I’m just out here, kinda floating, indefinitely…and while there are times I feel like it is fine, and I am fine, the longer it goes, there is this feeling I have (this thought that comes up, but I push away) that this is not good. Read more →

My Perfect Storm

April 26, 2015
It’s hard for me to not feel like I’ve totally fucked everything up. I really feel like I’ve created the perfect storm in many ways. As much as I liked to think I was comfortable with food, I still wasn’t. Read more →

Something Isn’t Right with Me

July 31st, 2015
Something isn’t right with me. I’m not ok. I’m not doing well. But it’s tricky because I’m not sure what’s wrong, or why exactly I feel this way. And I don’t think anyone would be able to notice unless they were privy to my life on a daily basis.

The Phone Call that Changed Everything

August 20th, 2015
I needed some sort of warning for this before this morning…I honestly did not go into this phone call expecting this to be the outcome. I thought I was the one making who was going to be making a choice, that I had a decision to make and that I had some questions around the possible options of that decision. Read more →